Understand and Guide
Understanding and guiding are two very important principles in parenting. Surely, there are going to be times when your child makes poor choices. These are great learning opportunities if handled correctly. If handled instead with harsh discipline, it is a wasted teaching moment. It is important when children make mistakes, to not immediately judge and discipline them. Take the time to calm yourself down. You should not discipline or punish your children in the heat of the moment. Take time to ask your children why has happened. Figure out why they have behaved the way that they have. Your discipline will be much more effective and meaningful if you understand your child's emotions. After you take the time to understand the situation and your child's feelings, it is now your opportunity to guide them in a way that helps them learn and grow.
In order to create a respected bond with
children, parents need to first understand how to discipline their children in
a way that is helpful to the children. Dr. Steinberg (2005) teaches about three
principles to apply to avoid harsh discipline. These include:
1. Never use physical punishment.
2. Don't be verbally abusive.
3. Controlling your anger
These are pretty common responses to children when they do something that they shouldn't. They have been proven in many studies to be ineffective and even harmful to the development of children. So, why are they used? These are very common first reactions when people do things that upset us. This is a big reason why this is how parents discipline. It is a very easy, natural response.
Dauk (2019) discusses why physical punishment, such as spanking, is a bad practice. She says, "Children who are spanked are at a higher risk of increased aggression, mental health issues such as depression and poor relationships with parents. Spanking increases the risk of physical injury and abuse." Many parents refute this argument by saying that they we spanked and turn out just fine. As Dauk (2019) responds to this by reminding us that not all smokers get lung cancer; that doesn't mean smoking doesn't cause it. Spanking often escalates the anger of the parents which is why it can lead to physical injury and abuse. It has also been proven that children who are punished physically with spankings do not usually understand the connection between their actions and being punished (Steinberg, 2005). When parents discipline by talking down to their children, such as calling them stupid or telling them they'll never amount to anything, not only does it tear down their children's self esteems, it also teaches them to deal with people that way. This is the same with yelling at your children or not controlling your anger. The biggest issue when these three principles are broken is that children are being taught to deal with people who do wrong or upset them poorly. They are being taught that they should talk down to people, yell, and hit. Studies have shown that children who are punished using these methods end up being more aggressive. These are not the things we want to teach our children, yet that is what we end up teaching them when we punish in these ways.
As Steinberg (2005) says, it is important
to discipline the right way. A concern that parents have expressed when
told that spanking isn't a good form of discipline is that they will have
undisciplined children. Dauk (2019) shares, "No spanking does not mean
no discipline. We must continue to teach children appropriate behavior. If
spanking is the “go-to” in your parenting toolbox, consider alternatives such
as distraction, redirecting, house rules with agreed-upon consequences, and
positive reinforcement for good behavior".
Steinberg (2005) suggest this model when punishing effectively:
1. Identify the specific act that was wrong.
2. State the impact of the misbehavior.
3. Suggest or more alternatives to the undesired behavior.
4. Clearly state what the punishment is going to be.
5. State your expectation that you child will do better the next time.
This model is made to help effectively punish your children in a way that gives them all of the information they need in order to understand what they did wrong, how it effects others, why they are being punished, and what they should've done. This method takes practice, especially for those who have been parenting ineffectively for a long time. This is not a natural response to bad behavior like spanking or yelling is. This takes thought and control.
Take the time to understand your child and use your disciplining
to guide them. This is proven to be the most effective discipline that will
help your children to learn and grow. It will also help to foster a
parent-child relationship that is built on understanding, caring, and respect.
References:
Steinberg, L. D. (2005). Principle #8 avoid harsh discipline. The ten basic principles of good parenting (1st Simon & Schuster Paperbacks ed.). Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Don't spank your child [Image]. Retrieved July 16, 2020 from https://nortonchildrens.com /news/from-a-pediatrician-why-you-shouldnt-spank-your-child/.
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