Motivate- To bribe or not to bribe

    

    Dr. Haim G. Ginott (2003) says in his book Between Parent and Child that there are seven self-defeating patterns that use to attempt to motivate their children. Along with bribes, he says: threats, promises, sarcasm, verbal overkill, sermon on lying and stealing, and rude teaching of politeness. These are all things that parents do commonly but should really steer clear of. For the purpose of this post, I am only going to be focusing more on bribes but for more information on these other self-defeating patterns, take a look at chapter 3 of his book.

    Many people know that there are two types of motivation. Intrinsic and extrinsic. We need a good balance of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation comes from inside (desire to grow or improve, help others, or feel accomplished). Extrinsic motivation comes from outside (rewards, praise, acknowledgements). Extrinsic motivation isn't bad but too much of it can be damaging to our children. Too much extrinsic motivation encourages our children to seek rewards and praise for their behavior rather than to perform a behavior to improve themselves or feel accomplished. Much of society today, in schools and workplaces, use extrinsic motivation to encourage people to do things. It is easy to offer people rewards or gifts in return for good behavior or service. This is true for parenting too. It is very easy to throw out a quick bribe (or threat) when trying to get your child to behave or listen. Oftentimes, this will work. What child doesn't want a new toy, extra electronic time, or money? But in the long run, it will likely come back to bite you. Children who are constantly motivated by extrinsic things, will begin to seek out rewards or bribes for everything that they are asked to do and will constantly except something in return for their good behavior.

    As Ginott (2003) shares in his book, one of the big problems with bribes is that it doesn't lead children to continual efforts of good behavior. (The "If-Then" fallacy) IF they do this good thing one time, THEN they get a reward. That makes them not have a desire to do it again if they aren't getting the same reward (Ginott, 2003). Not to mention that moral objection that children will begin acting poorly in order to get a bribe. I have one older sister and three younger siblings. I was by far the best behaved and most obedient child. I say this not as a prideful thing but as a fact. Now, my family had a boat and we would go tubing, water skiing, knee boarding, wake boarding, etc. quite often. As young children, my parents taught us to knee board and my siblings either didn't like it or were scared of it because they didn't know how to do it. My parents wanted them to learn so they would make us do it at least once each summer. Whenever my parents told me to get on the knee board, I would do it. If they told me to tube, I would (I had a lot of intrinsic motivation too because I find joy in making others happy still to this day). If my parents told my siblings to do it, they would hear cries, screams, and objections. So, they did what any desperate parent does. They bribed. And the bribes got better and better until my siblings gave in and did it. One time. And when my parents wanted them to do it the next time. They bribed them. So, my siblings are getting tubs of ice cream, money, and toys while I am getting... the satisfaction of making my parents happy? See how that works? Who wants to do what the parents ask anymore? I almost didn't even want to. I swear at one point my siblings realized that their bad behavior equaled bribes and began to apply this to all aspects of our lives. When we were asked to do a service project, go to our grandparents for dinner, or play a family game, there response would often be, "what do I get"?

    Now, bribes are not always bad but are best used when unannounced and as a surprise (Ginott, 2003). As Ginott (2003) says, "Rewards are most helpful and more enjoyable when they are unannounced in advance, when they come as a surprise, when they represent recognition and appreciation". These rewards are then a show of appreciation rather than a bribe to do good or something that they should expect after every good thing that they do. Shiller (2008) shares "when given at the right times and for the right reasons, even little rewards show kids that good things come to those who work for them, not to those who whine for them. And that lesson lasts longer than all the quarters, video games, and songs it takes toteach it". They have already done the good deed without expectation of a reward, so their motivation isn't affected by outside things. The key is that these "bribes" should really be rewards given for good behavior rather than desperate please to stop bad behavior.

**Disclaimer: I love my parents and they did an amazing job of raising us! It just goes to show that even great parents get caught in these self-defeating patterns.

References:

Ginott, H. G. (2003). Self-defeating patterns: There's no right way to do a wrong thing. Between Parent and Child (A. Ginott & H. Wallace, Eds.; Revised and Updated ed.). Harmony.

Goddard, W. (2018, July 23). Bribes [Photograph]. Meridian Magazine. https://latterdaysaintmag.com/the-problem-with-bribing-your-kids/.

Shiller, V. (2008). The right way to bribe your child. Parenting, 22(1), 94.